Countdown

I have a countdown app on my phone that lets me know how much time I have left on this earth. Currently, I’m at 58 years, one month, and nine days until the date of my demise. I suppose that’s a little odd, and begs the question of how I even found the data to make such a countdown.

When I was in a family class in college, our professor had us fill out a form that gave a guess as to how long we were going to live. It used family history, health, and lifestyle information to make an educated guess as to how many years we might last on this earth. If I remember correctly, my number was 113.

Around that time, two of my great-grandparents passed away at the age of 99. They were both heavy smokers, but somehow lived to be nearly 100. And my great-grandma on the other side was still alive and healthy (she eventually passed away at the age of 101). All four of my grandparents were still living, and were in reasonably good health. My parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins were all pretty healthy as well.

When I combined all of that information in a very unscientific manner, I decided that I was going to live until the age of 100. Somehow, that number stuck in my brain, and I kind of accepted January 21, 2079, (the day I will turn 100) as the approximate date of my demise.

As the years passed, and I began to experience all of the hardship life throws at us, I started to really get excited for the fact that this world is not my home. I love my life and it is full of so much beauty. But like most of us who have put our trust in Jesus, we look forward to a day when our trials are over and we get to go home. Heaven is a place of rest, joy, exploration, and all things new. It’s finally seeing my Savior face-to-face and giving Him a really long hug.

When the hard days came, I began to remind myself that home is coming. Therefore, when I got a smart phone, it only made sense to add a countdown so that I could always be reminded of how much time I left. Not exactly so I would know what I have left to endure, but so I could make each day count.

Obviously, I know that the exact date is quite arbitrary. I could pass away tomorrow from an aneurysm, or I could live to 120 (though my life insurance company doesn’t exactly think that’s likely). But having a countdown has been good for me because: a) It reminds me that there is an end-date, and that I should make the most of each day, month, and year; and b) it makes me feel funny and quirky and provides a good (if slightly morbid) topic of conversation. 😊

In the midst of all these hardships of life, I’ve prayed for many years the words of this hymn: “Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it; prone to leave the God I love. Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it; seal it for Thy courts above.”

I know my weaknesses; I know my failings. To my shame, I know from experience that it doesn’t take long for my life to steer away from Jesus. Hard times cause me to question Him. Good times cause me to simply forget His presence in my life. I want to be on a trajectory that’s constantly bringing me closer to Jesus, but I’ve found that it doesn’t take much more than a nudge to get me off course.

It’s because of this that I’ve prayed that hymn repeatedly. I do love Him; I want to be close to Him. I have experience after experience that has caused me to know that my life is infinitely better with Him. So, I’ve asked Him to seal my wandering heart to His over and over again.

As you know, depression is something I’ve been fighting consistently for several years. I’ve had good days and bad days, but overall it’s been a constant struggle. Recently, I finally realized that depression may be something I struggle with for the rest of my life. When I realized this, my first response was despair. It feels so hopeless, so daunting. Those 58 years I have left are terrifying. But then God gently reminded me of this hymn that I’ve prayed for years. He reminded me that when I’m depressed is when I’ve felt closest to Him. I’ve had to rely on His strength to get me through each day, each hour, in order to simply function. His Word has brought me comfort. Wandering away hasn’t even been a temptation in those times because I’ve been clinging so tightly to Him.

So, if depression is what God is using to seal my heart to His, then I will embrace it gladly. Because not only does it bind my heart to His, He also heals my heart at the same time. It’s not as if some all-powerful being is using my pain to make me subservient to Him. Instead, a loving God is using something in my life that is awful to draw me in to His arms every day. He seeks me in my pain, and He heals it.

Just like the Apostle Paul prayed that God would take away whatever his “thorn in the flesh” was, I’ve prayed that God would take away my depression. And maybe, in time, He will answer that prayer. But for now, I find comfort that, like Paul, this “weakness” makes God strong in my life. I have a Comforter that will never abandon me and holds my in the midst of my darkness.

And if depression is what it takes for my heart to be sealed to God’s for all eternity, then I will walk the next 58 years with strong hope in the midst of sorrow. I will wake each day with an Advocate who will fight on my behalf. I will cling to Him, knowing that the “courts above” are waiting for me, and that He has sealed my heart to His.