Last week, I was a mess for a few days. I’ve always imagined that in a crisis I would be one who would step up and handle everything with strength and wisdom. Instead, as every day brought worse news and more restrictions, I melted into a mess – short-tempered, anxious, hopeless, tense, easily wounded. At night it was the worst – I felt so hopeless as I cried myself to sleep. I wasn’t sure I could handle this new normal, and I didn’t want to try.
This is NOT the person I want to be.
I want to be strong, bold, helpful, willing to serve, creative, loving, selfless, adaptive – but my anxiety was crippling me and I couldn’t see a way through.
The root of the problem was this: I couldn’t hear God’s voice in the midst of all the other voices I was hearing. I would try to read my Bible, but the other words I’d been reading all day drowned out the peace I was seeking. I would try to pray, but I’d be interrupted by yet another message, another word of advice, another funny-not-funny meme that would come through on my phone.
The thing that muted God’s voice the most though was this: my fear that I was doing it wrong. All day long I was reading articles and recommendations about social distancing, self-quarantine, and how to stop the spread of this virus. Each voice I listened to said something different, and I wanted desperately to know if I was doing it right. At first, I went to the extreme and basically quarantined my family. But then I was afraid that we were making it harder than it had to be and that I was hurting our mental health by not allowing my kids playtime with friends. But then I felt guilt that we had possibly exposed ourselves and others to the virus, so we pulled back again. And then I shared these insecurities with others, and received even more well-intentioned lectures and articles about how we were doing it all wrong. The voices were loud and they were overwhelming, and I couldn’t hear the most important Voice of all.
So, I turned off the voices. For one day, I turned off my phone and allowed myself to experience the freedom of listening to only one Voice. And that simple act helped me to find the peace that had been so elusive. I could hear God for the first time in days. I spent time in Scripture, soaking up the words of wisdom and strength that He spoke to me. I prayed without interruption. I experienced beautiful moments in worship. I began to see the ways He was working in this crisis – our family was growing in ways we never would have otherwise, and He had clearly prepared our kids for this moment in ways I could only see if I looked closely. I found the freedom to stop worrying so much about whether or not I’m doing this right – this is all new and there’s no way I’m going to do it perfectly. I found grace for myself and grace for others; we are all making this up as we go, and none of us will do it perfectly.
As my phone went back on that night, I had renewed peace and an ability to hear God’s voice above the others. It has still been hard, and I’m still second-guessing myself a lot. I’m still trying to figure out when to read the news and laugh at the memes, and when to just set my phone down for a few hours. I still have fears about what the coming months will look like. I’m definitely not that amazing warrior princess who I had imagined myself to be in a crisis.
But I’m at peace, and I know what Voice to listen to. I pray that you can find that peace too.
“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” – Isaiah 42:16
Feeble Hands 