“Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way,
say to those with fearful hearts,
'Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
He will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
He will come to save you.'"
-Isaiah 35:3-4
For quite some time, I’ve felt God calling me to this idea – “strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way.” I’ve had quite a bit of experience with my own feeble hands and shaky knees over the past several years as I’ve gone through a long, hard battle with depression. In many ways, I’m (mostly) on the other side of this battle. I’ve experienced a lot of healing and growth, though I definitely still feel very fragile in some ways, and even recently have had some pretty awful days. But because I know I’m not alone in this battle with depression, I want to offer my story to you, if you care to hear it. If not – I won’t be offended. I can be kind of wordy at times. And after all, talking about depression can be a bit…depressing. 😊 (See what I did there?)
I wish I could easily sum up the story of what the past two and a half years have been like for me. However, as I am a person who very easily gets bogged down in details, I don’t think that can happen. I want you to know each heartache, each victory, each epiphany and paradigm shift – but that would require you to simply live those years with me all over again. And although it’s an excruciatingly beautiful journey – it should only be walked once. To go back and resurrect each detail might provide a bit more understanding, but it would mean retracing steps, instead of moving forward along the next part of the path God has placed in front of me. A path that others may need me to walk with them, drawing from all my experience of the terrain I have already covered before them.
So if my path intersects or converges with yours, let me just say there is HOPE. Some of the darkest times of my life have happened in the past two-and-a-half years. I’ve had moments where I’ve cried uncontrollably, screamed at my children, irrationally raged at my husband, and fought off literal waves of sadness that plagued me moment after moment. I’ve been so incredibly tired, hurt, ashamed, angry, and hopeless that I’ve fought desires to injure myself or end my life. I’ve had weeks of an uneasy sense of feeling almost “normal” again, only to be overcome by that awful feeling of knowing that my depression was back in full force, ready to annihilate me yet again me and bring me to my knees. I’ve been on countless medications of varying dosages – spending months to find the one that would actually alleviate some of my symptoms without leaving me with unbearable side effects.
But as I said, there is HOPE. Because my world was so dark, light was ever so much brighter. In some ways it’s hard to make sense of that. There were many times the darkness didn’t become any less dark. It was still awful and painful and overwhelming. But Jesus and my friends walked alongside me, and though the brightness of their light did not diminish my darkness, it made it bearable because I was not alone. As I look back, some of my darkest times were actually the most filled with hope, because I saw God fight for me, teach me, and rescue me in those moments.
Again, I wish I could tell you every detail. It’s a pretty amazing story. Friends who cried with me and offered wise counsel, a husband who held me through the worst of it, family who prayed diligently for me, children who watched me fight hard battles and loved me through it. I have stories of times when God clearly answered prayers that I didn’t even know were being prayed – answered prayers that helped calm my raging mind and simply fall asleep. Medically speaking, I learned a lot about the impact years of stress had on my body, mind, and emotions, and how healing came in unexpected ways. I spent several days in the mountains of Colorado, and the healing God did there in my soul is a precious story in and of itself. A wise counselor and friend taught me how to truly rest, helping me completely restructure the way I think about my work life. I could tell you how some things were lost and sacrificed along the way, including a job I loved. I could also tell you how God provided in amazing and humbling ways in the midst of a year off of work, and has provided again in giving me a job that fits exactly what I need right now. I could tell you of new friendships created and old friendships deepened. Of a life recreated and a spirit renewed.
But I’ve already said enough for today. I’ll get into some of those details and stories down the road. But the reason I am writing this today is because I want you to know what God can do. That you’re not alone. That someone else has walked this road.
Recently a mom in our community – a mom of three boys, just like me – died by suicide. From what I understand, many of those around her were shocked. They hadn’t known she was struggling. Many cannot understand what she was going through that would lead her to such a point because (thankfully) they’ve never experienced that before.
But I can understand it. And maybe you can too. And if you are feeling hopeless, please know you are not alone. I say these words to you that God laid on my heart at a very dark time:
"Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
He will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
He will come to save you."
-Isaiah 35:3-4
If you are struggling, please reach out. And not just to one person – allow God to fight for you through multiple people. Honestly, the struggle is too big for just one friend. It took a village of people and the God of the universe to pull me out of a really dark place. I am willing to be one of the people in your village if you need that, and I’d love to help you learn more about the mighty God who is fighting for you. Through this blog, I plan to share more about what I have learned spiritually, mentally, and physically. I am not a therapist or a counselor, but I do feel that I can share what God has taught me on this journey. Feel free to ask me any questions – for the most part, I’m pretty open about this. Or I’m happy to keep my mouth shut and just listen (as hard as that is for me – as you can see I’m quite wordy even when I’m trying not to be).
I hope the words God speaks through me here bring you hope and healing and the knowledge that you’re not alone. Your hands may be feeble, and your knees may be giving way, but God is coming to save you. In fact, He’s already here, walking with you and weeping with you.
Feeble Hands 