Ears to Hear

Last week, I was a mess for a few days. I’ve always imagined that in a crisis I would be one who would step up and handle everything with strength and wisdom. Instead, as every day brought worse news and more restrictions, I melted into a mess – short-tempered, anxious, hopeless, tense, easily wounded. At night it was the worst – I felt so hopeless as I cried myself to sleep. I wasn’t sure I could handle this new normal, and I didn’t want to try.

This is NOT the person I want to be.

I want to be strong, bold, helpful, willing to serve, creative, loving, selfless, adaptive – but my anxiety was crippling me and I couldn’t see a way through.

The root of the problem was this: I couldn’t hear God’s voice in the midst of all the other voices I was hearing. I would try to read my Bible, but the other words I’d been reading all day drowned out the peace I was seeking. I would try to pray, but I’d be interrupted by yet another message, another word of advice, another funny-not-funny meme that would come through on my phone.

The thing that muted God’s voice the most though was this: my fear that I was doing it wrong. All day long I was reading articles and recommendations about social distancing, self-quarantine, and how to stop the spread of this virus. Each voice I listened to said something different, and I wanted desperately to know if I was doing it right. At first, I went to the extreme and basically quarantined my family. But then I was afraid that we were making it harder than it had to be and that I was hurting our mental health by not allowing my kids playtime with friends. But then I felt guilt that we had possibly exposed ourselves and others to the virus, so we pulled back again. And then I shared these insecurities with others, and received even more well-intentioned lectures and articles about how we were doing it all wrong. The voices were loud and they were overwhelming, and I couldn’t hear the most important Voice of all.

So, I turned off the voices. For one day, I turned off my phone and allowed myself to experience the freedom of listening to only one Voice. And that simple act helped me to find the peace that had been so elusive. I could hear God for the first time in days. I spent time in Scripture, soaking up the words of wisdom and strength that He spoke to me. I prayed without interruption. I experienced beautiful moments in worship. I began to see the ways He was working in this crisis – our family was growing in ways we never would have otherwise, and He had clearly prepared our kids for this moment in ways I could only see if I looked closely. I found the freedom to stop worrying so much about whether or not I’m doing this right – this is all new and there’s no way I’m going to do it perfectly. I found grace for myself and grace for others; we are all making this up as we go, and none of us will do it perfectly.

As my phone went back on that night, I had renewed peace and an ability to hear God’s voice above the others. It has still been hard, and I’m still second-guessing myself a lot. I’m still trying to figure out when to read the news and laugh at the memes, and when to just set my phone down for a few hours. I still have fears about what the coming months will look like. I’m definitely not that amazing warrior princess who I had imagined myself to be in a crisis.

But I’m at peace, and I know what Voice to listen to. I pray that you can find that peace too.

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.”   – Isaiah 42:16

I Will Sing To The Lord

How’s the apocalypse treating everyone else? So far, we’ve blown through almost all the cereal stocked in our basement and we’re out of milk; because despite the fact that I’ve provided three meals a day for my children, they still feel the need to eat bowls of cereal at random times throughout the day. The peanut butter stash is holding steady, but that’s mostly because I already make a batch of puppy chow almost every day. So, nothing new in that realm. 😊

However, beyond our basic needs, I’m struggling. I’m a very introverted person, so you’d think this idea of social isolation would be heaven for me, but I’m learning that it’s definitely NOT. Part of that is because I’m not being socially isolated by myself…I have four other people with me…and they’re all male. Which means they’re loud, they’re stinky, they’re competitive, and they mock me when I watch Frozen 2 (except Josh – he was nice and watched it with me). I’m also responsible for the education of three of these males, which does not come natural to me at all.

The real issue though, is that over the course of the past year, I’ve realized how very important my friends are to me and my mental health. In the past year I’ve embraced those friendships and have needed them on a daily basis. And now I face the prospect of several weeks of no in-person, face-to-face time with any of them. And that’s hard. I know there are many other options in our age of technology, and I’m thankful for those options and will use them. But losing out on the chance to connect with others physically on a day-to-day basis is hard – especially when we all need a hug from a friend now more than ever.

Last night as I was struggling through this, I read a scripture that has long held comfort for me. I thought I’d share it here, because I’m guessing I’m not the only one struggling in this time.

“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
       How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
       and every day have sorrow in my heart?
       How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
       Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’
       and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in Your unfailing love;
       my heart rejoices in Your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
       for He has been good to me.”
                  -  Psalm 13

The first part of this psalm hits home so intensely. Life is so hard. Sometimes I have so many questions for God. The pain is so intense, and the questions are so big. I feel lost and hurt and broken. I feel as if the things that plague me will conquer me at any moment.

But the last two verses are what hold me steady. Despite all the pain and the hardship and the struggle, I choose to trust His unfailing love. He has proven Himself to me over and over again.

I have quite a few journals I have filled out over the years, but the one that I would rescue in a fire is a specific one with a leather green cover. I bought it a few years ago for one specific purpose – to remember the great things my God has done. Too quickly and easily I forget the things He has done for me. When the storms of life come, it’s as if I have amnesia and I can’t recall any of the miracles I have witnessed or the ways I’ve seen Him come through. So, when those good things do happen, I write them in this journal as a way to hold me steady and remember His faithfulness.

Therefore, last night when trouble hit and I struggled, I thought through the ways God has provided for me before – gifts given in the midst of financial hardships, barriers broken down in the souls of our children, prayers answered when we weren’t even aware they had been spoken, and friends needed at just the right moment in life. These stories remind me and reassure me that God is still present, here in the struggle. He’s right here with me. He’s provided before and He’ll provide again. He’s enough, and He loves me with an unfailing love.

So even though the road is rough right now, “…I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me.”

P.S. I know I have many friends and family who read this and love me very much. I know your desire anytime you read about a struggle of mine is to help me. Please know that I appreciate that, but I really am not asking anyone to fix this situation or offer suggestions – I’m just sharing my feelings. As my husband has learned, often the best thing you can do is feel it, not fix it. 😊 So please stay home and join us in practicing social distancing so we can protect those who need our protection the most…and so we can all get back to normal life as soon as possible.